February 1, 2022
Recently I realized that one of my issues with writing (on any topic) is that my consistency is largely controlled by my level of fear.
It seems like my brain wants me to believe that need to research, perfect all writing into essay format and also be ready for all types of feedback before I can publish anything here. People who write often joke that their biggest fears are that no one will read their work… or… that someone will! I can definitely relate to that sentiment!
What a load of self-induced bollucks!
The other day I had to pay for another year to use this domain, and I considered not doing it just because of my own lack of prioritizing writing time and very little response that I could see. Sometimes I’m not sure who my audience is. Validating my peers always feels good but I really can’t tell if that is even helpful to anyone because I don’t hear much back. It’s so tempting just to slip into my own personal comfort zone and focus solely on my own life and search for joy. Writing about this helps me too, for sure, but it also causes all of the trauma to resurface and I have to find a balance even if it’s not helping anyone but me. My writing is tangential already, anyway, and that’s because of the PTSD. Some days I can’t focus on this disease, like all of us.
I did pay the website fee but decided that it was time to put down my fear/procrastination by committing to writing for myself again, even if it’s boring and not helpful to anyone else.
This part of my site will definitely be more of a writing exercise rather than a formal blog. Push-ups for my brain and to ward off the self-conscious gag I gravitate toward.
For me it’s part of the process of making a new habit, until it becomes comfortable again. It does feel like the only real shot I have at being able to consistently talk about the medical stuff, actually help others, and reach my personal goals in that realm.
I doubt my 5 followers will mind. 😂🤡🤪